Who am I out for? : a question of legitimacy
A large part of being queer is self-discovery, and yet for many of us within the community, that self-discovery does not come with the same certainty nor the comfort or security that many other members of the community, and non-queer members of wider society find comfort in. My focus here will be on that struggle and the mental and emotional labour of having to challenge the assumptions made by others whilst simultaneously trying to find a label that might offer comfort to those previously without it.
When we are young, we are asked what we want to be when we grow up. A doctor? An astronaut? A teacher? We are expected to discover ourselves consistently and understand with such acute certainty so that we may pursue the grand goal of being content once we reach the later stages of life, but what if we never discover that certainty? What if our lives, my life in this instance, is simply a series of questions left unanswered. Of course, one might assume that I am leading to a philosophical inquiry of queerness, what is the grand picture of it all - and in some regards I am by nature of this blog being part of my philosophy degree – though my inquiry as of now, more than anything else, is to offer myself a brief respite from the anxieties of my own queer life and convey what it is like to be uncertain of such supposed essential things.
I have always found my relationship with labels to be a tenuous one. My identity has always been one in flux and lacking essence or the sort of concreteness that is expected by even still today's social norms. And so, in performing my part within society – at least in the manner by which I am expected to act - I assign myself labels that most closely align to, and yet never truly are, my being. I do not feel like a man, and yet I do not have the confidence nor the certainty to challenge those who perceive me as one, especially since I have acted as one for so much of life till this point. My sexuality is also something of a fluid substance, at least whilst I am still trying to get a solid grasp of it, and yet again I do not feel it worthwhile to refute anyone who assumes I am bi/pansexual as it is somewhat of an accurate description of my circumstances.
It is a problem only exacerbated for those of us still largely or completely 'in the closet' in regard to all of this, and for those who are oppressed under other large systems of epistemic violence. How are we to challenge such oppression and violence if we cannot label ourselves amongst those who fight, and worse yet if we are targeted for our silence. I guess the focus for this blog will be on these matters, both from my own understandings and from the minds of others. As much as this is an assignment for my university degree, it is also a deep interrogation of myself and what legitimacy I have in the uncertain fluidity of my being - particularly given how transfixed society is regarding the solid object.
Matthew Quinn (He/They)
Queer Fiction:
- All That's Left In The World - Erik J. Brown
- Banana Fish - Akimi Yoshida
- If Tomorrow Doesn't Come - Jen St. Jude
- The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue - V. E. Schwab
- The Passing Playbook - Isaac Fitzsimmons